I use writing as therapy. I don’t really have a ton of people to talk to and while I know actual therapy will help it’s not in the cards. Plus when I went to therapy and she found out I wrote and ran with it. Constantly telling me to write everything. Did I though? No. I did not, I instead decided to stop going to therapy.
Ever since I left and I thought I was doing well. I was up trying to be more active and interactive with people. I thought I was doing well. The funny thing about having a mental illness you think you’re doing better, but you could be wrong.
I know as people we grow and evolve over time, we can change into something amazing or something completely awful. It’s scary to think about only because you can’t really control it. Life happens and before you know it you’re older, and you’re acting and behaving in a way you never thought you would.
I used to love makeup and never thought I would leave the house without it, I can say I hardly wear it anymore. Younger me would have never thought about doing anything like that. I often wondered if this has something to do with my depression. Like I’m letting myself go and no longer care about how I look. But as I write this I’m starting to wonder maybe this means I’m on the upswing? Maybe I am now having the confidence I didn’t have back then.
When I was younger I was painfully insecure. I didn’t really like my body, and I wanted to look like other people. When I shopped or did a makeup look I would say I’m going to do my makeup to look like this person or that person. Never me. I wouldn’t dare go out without my makeup or without my hair done. But when I came into my own and even with my weight gain I learned to love myself more. I accept who I am and put up with a lot less than what I did back then. Hell, I even got rid of a really toxic relationship I was in that I never thought I would get out of.
So while I don’t behave in that same way. It isn’t a bad thing because I like what I see (most times) in the mirror. I’ve learned my worth and I wouldn’t trade it for anything.
Maybe the future isn’t so bad. Maybe I’m not as bad as I think.