It’s no secret that I have depression, I’m pretty open about it. I usually have an episode around my cycle or a stressful time and with it being the end of the month and holidays you know what time it is! Right now I think I’m coming out of one or I’m currently in the throws. Usually, my episode lasts about a month or so, this time I’m taking steps to not get really deep into my depression so I don’t feel the same in a good way. Here’s what I’m trying out.
I’m trying my damnedest to keep busy and no I don’t mean by going out. When I get into these moods I get really antisocial and I get lazy, this does nothing for me but amplifies my depression because now I’m upset that I’m not doing anything. So I try to keep busy, there’s a couple of projects I have in the works that I’m going to get started and I cleared out my dead or dying plants. I also am reading new books on Buddhism and meditation as well as self-help books. I’ve gotten back into yoga and general self-care. This is helping me keep those dark triggering thoughts out of my head.
Practicing Living In The Moment
I’ll never forget when I was talking to my friend about a depression episode and asked them “Don’t you hate when you’re brain replays bad or embarrassing memories over and over again?” and they told me that they never had those kinds of thoughts. I was gobsmacked and asked them again, thinking that I didn’t explain it right. But nope they never had those thoughts. I thought everyone’s mind works like this and asked myself why does mine? I don’t have an answer for that however I have a solution. When my thoughts start going on replay I remind myself what I am actually doing. If I’m watching TV I tell myself ” You’re not there, you’re here watching TV.” That’s why keeping busy is my first priority, stay busy, stay engaged with life, and remember there’s nothing in the past, there’s nothing in the future the only thing for certain is this moment right now. This, I can control, this I can handle.
Reflect and Identify My Opportunities
During my walking meditation yesterday I was thinking about why I suddenly feel so insecure about my smile. I have crooked teeth and a few years ago it never really bothered me. I didn’t like it but I smiled in pictures, I laughed with no shame but now I’m suddenly so self-conscious. I realized when I was younger I did do a lot more with myself. I worked out, I took care of my skin, I ate the right proportions, and I drank a lot less. Now it’s not uncommon for me to drink and order too much food then pass out with my make-up still on. How can I expect to feel great about myself if I’m not caring for myself? How can I preach self-love if I’m not loving myself? I saw where my opportunity was in that aspect. So I’m limiting my drinking and started working on my health. I also saw a lot of opportunity with my job and my relationships, I’m going to start working on those too. Notice how I’m identifying these issues as opportunities, not problems because I have the opportunity to change and address them. How you talk to yourself matters.
I’m not saying that I’m cured of my depression with these steps. I just started back on my medication after months of being off it because during my reflection period I realized that there is most likely a chemical imbalance in my brain that this could help with. However, I’m not letting the medicine work alone, I still have to work on myself and talk to my demons. That’s why at the beginning of this post I said this episode feels so different because I know I’m in an episode, I had my dark night and yet I still feel hopeful. I actually feel like there’s a light at the end of the tunnel and completing the steps makes me feel as if I can actually reach it. So no these aren’t steps to ‘cure’ depression, they just help keep me grounded and not let my mind get lost in the whirlwind that is depression.