Category: Sex & Relationships

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Single Girls Guide To The Stages Of Online Dating

As Drake once said, “There’s levels to this sh*t.”Online dating,

Being a single girl in her late 20s working more the recommended 40 hours work week online dating has become my link to the meeting the guy of my dreams.

It’s not as bad as every rom-com has made it seem (although some of it’s true) it’s also not as magical but its a lot easier to navigate if you know how it works.

And I’m here to show you the way.

First, let’s talk about the zones. Having an idea of what kind of zones you want to be in can helps you determine what you’re looking for.

Friendzone when you’re not looking for a boyfriend but you kind of just want someone to go out with and maybe hook up with once or twice on a drunk night out. If you’re looking for a friend treat them like a friend, meaning if it’s not a date don’t expect them to pay your way.

Just Freakin its Thot season and you know you’re not trying to be tied down to anybody. You just want to have a good time and that’s cool make sure you invest in some good condoms and BC.

An Actual Relationship one of the rare ones who are actually here for a long time not a just a good time. Not gonna lie you’re going to be digging for a while but it all works out in the end if you put in the work.

Now that you snagged a date here’s some dating 101 :

  1. Always in public for the first few meetings NO Exceptions.
  2. Tell someone where you’re at. If you can bring a friend.
  3. Relax. Worst case scenario you get an interesting story to tell (feel free to share.)
  4. Bring cash you never know how it’s going to go. I always say bring $30 safe cash just in case he’s a dick and I have to bail.

I go into safety tips for dating in a previous post you can read here.

After Date Etiquette

If you enjoyed your date and want to see them again let them know! I don’t believe in a one or two day rule if you want to talk to someone then talk to them.

HOWEVER!

Do not blow up their phone. Say your thank you or hello and if they do not respond don’t text again. They saw your message if it were important or they cared to talk to you again at some point would respond whether it’s immediately or a few days later. But don’t text 4 or 5 times like girl/guy come on.

Any tips of your own? Let me hear them in the comments.

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To The Left, To The Left

When it comes to relationships even the longest standing can enter the danger zone when things get real.


I’ve always been one to bite my tongue especially when it comes to friends. I rather just have you rant about your issues than to tell you why this issue is really your fault or how it’s not that serious. That’s what friends do right?

With one of my oldest friend, I’ve been growing more and more frustrated with them. Really what it is, Is I’ve been hanging out with newer people and trying new things. When I go back home to visit my mom and them I’m crestfallen. I’m happy to see them but they’re always with the same group doing the same things. I feel bad because I feel like I’m looking down and I know they’re trying to do better.

Encouraging words are usually met with defensive reasons. Whenever I try to add a bit of criticism or advice it’s usually shut down if I don’t shower it in between praises. It’s a practice that’s getting old for me.


Last week my friend and I got into a fight when I did get honest with him. They hung up the phone on me when my floodgates burst open. I told them really everything that I held in about them and they hung up on me.

I didn’t regret it and no I didn’t call back. It makes me wonder if we were truly honest with all of our friends and family would we have any relationships left?. It amazes that the first time I was honest that it was met with such anger.

I thought about this as I laid down for the night. I decided, in this new year, I’ll let things fall where they may. Seeing how I’ve been frustrated with tour relationship maybe a much-needed break is needed.

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Stripless In The City

Dating is a great way to meet people, explore the city, and find what you like and don’t like in a partner. More often than not you find what you don’t like.

Scarlett just finally had time after a long day to rest with a glass of red wine at her local bar. She’d been single for close to a year now and grew tired of constantly going home to an empty apartment.

Thus the reason she’s out. Sipping her wine she makes eyes with a dark-haired man across the bar smiling at her. She sweetly smiled back lowering her glass as the man sauntered over.

They exchanged pleasantries and talked well into the evening. Scarlett started thinking that this was the end of her lonely nights When he asked for her number she quickly put it into his phone.

 

She goes upstairs and rushes to the phone to call her friend. She must let her know the dry spell is almost over!

“Elle, I’ve finally found someone I’m slightly interested in.” Scarlett sang.

“Really? The ice queen has a heart?” Elle dryly asked

Ignoring her Scarlett continues. “He’s tall, well dressed, Brazilian, gorgeous hazel eyes….”

“What’s his name?”

“Eric. Eric Salazar. ” Scarlett sighs.

“No. Oh, God. No. Delete his number now. ” Elle demanded.

“Why? Do you know him?”

“That’s the guy who tried to jump off of the building a few weeks ago. ” Elle explained.

“Wait, what?” Scarlett said confused 

“Oh yes!” Elle exclaimed. “He was blind stinkin’ drunk threatening to end it all because some girl didn’t return his messages. He’s psycho. “

Scarlett was at a loss for words. “He was so charming when I met him.”

“Yeah, that’s how they getcha’.”

“Well, thanks for letting me know. I guess”

“No problem girl.”

Scarlett hung up the phone and curled up on the couch. Blindly staring at the TV. Then her phone buzzed. Eric had sent her a text message.

 

“It was great meeting you tonight.” He wrote.

Suddenly she was filled with remorse. “Now I have to deal with this guy.” she thought.

“Nice meeting you too.”

“I would love to see you again. There’s a strip club that I love to go to. “He responded.

Seriously, did he really just say that? She thought as she reread the message.

“That’s not really my scene.”

“Don’t worry no actual strippers will be there..”

No strippers at a strip club. Really? She rolled her eyes and blocked his number not bothering to respond. She sighs and beings to wonder if there any worth wild men out there that you don’t have to fix? Her puppy Pepper hops up and snuggles besides her. Scarlett smiles and remembers there’s always tomorrow and there’s always another guy. 

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I’ll Do Anything For Love, But Not That

When it comes to the world of dating it’s hard to really know what you are. One minute you think it’s going somewhere and there’s a chance then it knocks you back ten paces.

Adrian is a blast from the past. We met up in high school and rekindled our relationship years later. I thought it would be the romance of a lifetime. We rekindled our romance fairly quickly sending sweet nothings

He would call me and we would have the sweetest conversation however nothing ever really came of it. But the soft words he would speak to me would always melt my heart. I knew they were just words, not at first my revelation came in twos.

The first was when I had confessed my feelings knowing full well that this conversation would not lead to a relationship. The distance was a huge factor, neither one of us had the time or the money to really go see each other frequently enough to really keep a relationship going. Also, I wouldn’t really trust him enough to leave him to his own devices and I get a little lonely too.

All this being sad it still hurts when you tell someone that you like them and they don’t tell you they like you too, even though their actions tell you otherwise. It’s like they can’t confess it or they really don’t like you. Either way not a good look if either one of us were in a position to move, and could have something going. It’s just not going to happen. There wasn’t even a “maybe one day babe” it was just a straight up, “awww no.”

I should have taken the hint there. I guess I was just going through it. I woke up for a bit after that but I fell right back a sleep a few days later.

Then came the most recent offense. We were texting and somehow got on the topic of him coming down here. After a few minutes of him searching, he said he couldn’t find a car, and no train tickets were available.

I told him to give me a second and let me look. I found bus tickets literally 60% less than what he would have paid for a car and a train. His exact words were ” Oh no honey I don’t do the bus.”

Those words still ignite a fire inside me. I thought (before getting mad) there might have been a reason, a bad experience, a tragic accident anything. Nope, just a no.

I was confused and frustrated because the amount of I miss you’s he would send me daily, the amount of I wish you were here’s he would send me makes me think you can take a bus ride.

At that moment I just decided that while I would find anyway and do all that I could to get up there and see him, and you couldn’t do this? Something so simple? Without even a reason.

The biggest thing to me is I don’t really ask for a lot (#independent woman ) so when I do and you can’t or unwilling to, I expect more than a very condescending “Oh no honey I don’t ride the bus.”

Like WTF?

What’s your thoughts? Am I being petty, or are you just as frustrated as me? Leave a comment below and as always don’t forget to share and subscribe to our email list!

✌&❤

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I’m Single & I Don’t Want Kids.. Deal With It

Ever since I was around the age of 12 I knew I didn’t want kids. I admittedly was sexually mature for my age and aware that while we might use sex for pleasure it’s primary use is making babies. I made the logical decision then that I didn’t want kids and I’ve never changed it.

Since then whenever I told somebody that I didn’t want kids I was greeted with the “You’ll change your mind.” or “You’re too young for kids anyway” as if my age had anything to do with me not wanting them. I feel like half of the reason my mind is so dead set on not having them, almost a decade later, is the fact that people kept telling me I was going to change my mind. I’m not. I absolutely do not find anything appealing about motherhood, wifedom, or living the life in suburbia. Nothing happens there!

I simply do not understand why people keep trying to sell me, and women like me on the idea that kids and a family are the ideals of a successful life. Its only the ideal because we’ve been so brain-washed with the “American Dream” of family and home ownership that we now believe that it’s the only way to true happiness. It’s like life is up to you up until you do something that is not the status quo.

It’s a crying shame that it’s almost 2019 and we are still having this debate. Ladies, it’s ok to not want to have kids, a family, a white picket fence in suburbia. It really is. There is more to life than family, I said it. You can live a fully happy and successful life as a businesswoman or just a woman without the need of a husband or kids to be happy. I don’t know who told everyone it was ok for them to barge into my life and say that I need to pop out a kid. For what? Sleepless nights and another bill? I can’t and I won’t.

What is happiness for you is misery for me. You can create your happiness with your family. I, however, will find mine without kids, and without a husband. My goal in life is to be happy and successful working for my self. Kids are not and have not been in my life’s plan EVER and i don’t plan on adding them now. #DEALWITHIT

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My Top 10 Safety Dating Tips

 Dating is fun. I mean is there a better thrill than finding someone to go on adventures with? Especially when they just get you. 

But everything isn’t a Hallmark movie where everything is perfect and the bad guy is as obvious as his bad dye job.

They seem so sweet up until they’re not. It’s a total Jekyll and Hyde move and they can be easily spotted just keep an eye out these huge creepo signs and here are some helpful tips to keep you safe.

Don’t let them know where you live or the location of your job…yet

You can state a  general area like “I live over by university” or “I do IT work.” That’s fine but if you just met this guy and it’s like date 3 or 4, he doesn’t need to know every single detail of your life to the T. Leave the intimate details to yourself until you know this guy better, and seen him angry. Most importantly if you can drive then drive especially if its the first date. Remember, YOU DON’T KNOW THIS GUY!!!

Slow Things Down

Don’t move in after 3 months, I know rent is a killer but he might actually harm you. In my own opinion moving in with someone knowing them less than a year is just not responsible. People lie, you don’t know how their finances really are. Maybe they’ve hidden a drinking or gambling problem or maybe they’re just crazy. You can’t really tell in 3 months, or 4 months. TAKE YOUR TIME! Don’t get caught up with being in love get through the honeymoon phase before you make lifelong plans. 

Don’t Chase

Texting first isn’t chasing but if he hasn’t responded after 3 or 4 texts. Girl just stop. Don’t force it, this is bad not only for your self-esteem but it’s just not a good look and could put you in a bad situation if he’s a jerk. Just let it go.  

 

 

Now to the flags. These are the warning signs that the guy might be potentially dangerous.

  

🚩He doesn’t like the fact that you go out

It’s one thing if he doesn’t like that you go out every night, that’s understandable when you’re in a relationship. However, if you and your friends go to a cafe for brunch every Sunday and he gets upset or angry when you go for no good reason. That’s a sign he might have some trust issues. 

🚩Constantly Tells You To Change Your Clothes 

Now it’s one thing if you’re wearing a size too small or the shirt is so thin you can see you’re nipples. But if every time you’re looking good and feeling your self and he says you look terrible, like a slut, or asks if you’re looking for someone else, and it’s a serious question. It’s a flag, he should want you to feel confident and beautiful, if he constantly puts you down it’s time to go. 

🚩Tries to keep you away from people. 

I’m talking about events like family reunions, or people can’t come over, you can’t go out for drinks with your coworkers. He probably wants to keep you to himself and not in a cuddly way. Abusers typically try to keep their victims isolated as a better means to control them. Mom should always be welcomed over, whether they like it or not. 

 

Guys like this are predators, they’ll cry, beg, plead, even get mad. Don’t fall for this, if you have a gut feeling something isn’t right it probably isn’t. It’s better to be single for a while then in something potentially dangerous. If you’re in a harmful or abusive relationship there are ways to get help please follow the link (HERE) for resources you can also call RAINN (800) 656 HOPE (4673) 

✌&❤

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Spending the Holidays Alone? Here’s How To Do It Like A Boss

The holidays are usually a time where you get to spend time with families and long-lost friends. However, that’s not the case for some people. For it to be the ‘Most Wonderful Time of the Year’ it’s the time where seasonal depression hits some people hard. When I was working retail I rarely got the time to go home for the holidays when I had moved away.

So a lot of the time I was alone for the Holidays, I even once had a pizza delivery person invite me to come over for Thanksgiving dinner because she didn’t want me to be alone(#mortified). I would stay inside and drink and take a depression nap. However this year, I decided to take my depression and me out for the holidays and you can too.

Here’s my game plan.

 

Since most of the stores are closed on the holiday the day before I brave the crowds and stock up beauty supplies I want to try as we as some ingredients for recipes to cook while I’m home. My point is to stay busy.

I also plan to catch up with my writing and my hobbies, I also plan on working out and catching up on some reading.

Take yourself out on a date. You’d be surprised to see how many people to the movies alone on Christmas. You can also splurge on a fancy dinner for yourself even if it’s just take-out. It doesn’t have to be expensive you can splurge on calories whatever you enjoy.

Going for a walk listening to music and enjoying the winter scenery without the screams of children is always life.

Do some holiday shopping since the deals will mostly be online anyways and gift your self. You can be like me and indulge in your beauty routine and pick your face till it’s raw and glowing.

You could always text some of your friends and see what they’re up to, invite them over or see if it’s ok if you come over.

Most importantly don’t wallow in your sadness, if holiday movies and shows put you in a funk, ID TV always has some crime show marathon on, even on Christmas. You can even see if your cynic friend is busy and invite them over to laugh at the corniest of it all.

I wish you all happiness for the holiday season and remember it’s only two months and since you’re not eating those big holiday portions and meals you don’t have to worry about shedding any pounds. & If you need me I’ll be here available to talk to on my twitter @Off4thandGraham.

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Cancel My Postmates Order, Sir We’re Through

I used to have a guy that I used for delivery dick services. I don’t have to sugar coat with you if you’re familiar with off4thandgraham.com. But we were in relations for a while.

I had no issues with him. We were involved for a little over a year, even though we had no relationship (I couldn’t tell you his last name) we were just having fun. I have to say he had me quite spoiled. Honestly if you had someone who you could just call when you want it and then send him on his way, if you’re not particularly looking for anything serious (which I’m not) it’s nice.

He recently moved to Atlanta and was recently up her for a visit. I wasn’t in the mood but seeing how I’ve been a recluse lately I was like why not. So he came over and we did the do and I was not satisfied. I mean he was trying he really was but I wasn’t buying it.

After we (well he was) done I rolled over and got back on my phone and continued watching the Simpsons. I was disappointed that I subjected myself to that.

I won’t do the typical slam but I was usually drunk when I did it ( I was in a really dark place )but I was pretty sober when he came over. My hair was wet I just finished exfoliating and a mask and just started drinking and thought what the hell.

So after this revelation of me deserving better and not even in that cave anymore. I simply blocked his number, no need to have a long with a dick appointment honey.

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Why Be Me When I Can Be Someone Else?

Sophia recently started dating Marcus about 3 weeks ago, they’ve already had some problems. Marcus is a phone freak meaning if you don’t respond in 5-10 minutes it’s an issue. This typically leads to a fight to the point where they won’t talk for days. Mellow dramatic for a 40-year-old man, but we all know mature slower than women so maybe that’s it.  But Sophia loves, love so while she ignored his request they’re still going strong, sorta…

One weekend to appeal to his athletic side she asked him to go on a hike after work. Sophia isn’t much of a hiker but she’s going to try it in the name of love.

 

It started off beautifully they were taking pictures, laughing, and giggling but about an hour later the sun began to set and Sophia’s anxiety began to set in. She thought it would be a 45-minute walk but it was really more like an hour he feet were starting to hurt, her sew in was getting hot, and her back was hurting. But they haven’t even gotten to the top. Marcus, however, was loving the walk, he even took pictures of the sunset.

She powered through right before they made it to the top before she snapped… As Marcus was taking his pictures by the waterfall. She snapped at him to hurry up and leave before she heads down by herself. He snapped back that he didn’t even want to be here. They end up argued all the way down to the car and ride back home.

While in the car she began to think if she does manage to make this work does she want it? Is any kind of relationship worth saving with a guy who doesn’t even want to try? She left the car without saying goodbye and she shuts the door realizing he’s not worth the effort.

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Are We Set on Settling?

I love hearing old stories of how people fall in love and got together. The happy ones, where men used to court women. Sending flowers, talking on the phone all night, the 3 dates before a kiss. The love you see in old Audrey Hepburn movies.

I know love and people have changed just like many things do. However, things have changed in love so much that people hardly believe it in anymore. To say you’re actively looking for someone to marry is almost taboo.

Its like you jinx yourself from ever finding your forever by saying you’re looking for it. Like having marriage standards is like buying a pair of shoes from payless it’s fine if you do just don’t tell everybody.

What you’re supposed to do is soak your wild oats and fall in love randomly. Why are we leaving it up to chance now? Is this how we protect our hearts in the “hook up culture” dating has now become? I mean if you’re not really looking for something and nothing works out then at least you got a good story out of it, right?

It’s almost depressing to think we’d rather hookup with a guy or just have a sex based relationship rather than just waiting and holding out for someone who is really about something real, something more than the old bump and grind. I guess we really don’t nothing wrong.

Thoughts? Leave them in the comments.